To Feel

As they walked back towards the lamp they discussed, somberly, the tragedy they had inflicted upon Oren and Emory, and the tragedy they had saved them from. Sirenixia’s nerves were still on edge. Long minutes spent in that deep burrow, talking only a few words away from violence, trying to save the two lovers left her tense. As always, she had heard that voice within her, telling her they were fools. They would never listen. Kill them and be done.

But she knew better, and in the last few months with her friends Sirenixia’s control had strengthened. She had buried those feelings and focused on the task at hand, even helping. It should have been a moment of triumph. But as Jamra spoke of the love those two felt for each other, the love that would defy the world itself, Sirenixia did not feel successful. Nor could she feel the sorrow the other felt at their part in separating them. She only felt the fury rising within her, hot and angry. Nix and Jamra continued talking, but it barely registered, as she fought to push down the fire.

The familiar dry heat washed over them as they entered the lamp, and it was everything Sirenixia could do to keep from lashing out and the people around her. They were her friends. They cared for her. Depended on her. There was no reason to punish them for her flaws.

Yet the voice still whispered, and the anger still came.

Once the door to her room closed behind her, she could hold it in no longer. She grabbed the wooden dresser they stood against the wall and let loose against it.

It wasn’t fair. She threw the dresser onto the ground, and cracks resounded through the room.

Why. Couldn’t. She. Have. That. Each thought was punctuated with the crack of a metal plated hand or foot smashing the furniture.

She knew it was madness. Their love would have driven them to their own destruction. But that passion to fight the world. To care so deeply that you would give yourself up. That was something she could never allow herself. Not while the Korrashk still haunted her.

She had to believe it wasn’t her. That she could be free of it someday.

But why did she have to suffer for it. Nobody else worried that if they relaxed a little too much, if they let themselves show passion for anything, they might go on a murder spree.

Something red moved at the edge of her vision. “Ild,” Sirenixia spoke, igniting her sword as she spun towards her adversary. The flames leapt and danced before her.

The room was empty. The dresser was scattered over the floor, and there was no foe upon whom to unleash her fury. No way to let go.

A scream ripped from her throat as she hurled the sword across the room. It clattered against the stone of the fireplace, and went out.

She stumbled back and sank against the wall, her steel armor scraping and clanging all the way to the floor. The fire was gone. The voice was silent, for the moment. But the ember remained, glowing, waiting for a breath of air to ignite once again. She sat there, trying to breath deeply and calm herself as her heart still pounded. The same thoughts kept spinning through her mind as she struggled to focus and keep the ember from growing again. ''I’m not allowed to feel. It’s not fair. Why me.'' She looked out on the remnants of her dresser. This is what happens when I feel.

It felt like hours passed as Sirenixia sat there, crumpled in her spiraling thoughts, focused only on breathing and smothering that ember. It wasn’t until the second knock that she registered anyone at her door.

“Yes?” she muttered.

A familiar dwarven voice came through the door. “It’s Trindak. Can I come in?”

He shouldn’t come in. This was her problem to deal with. Her burden. Trindak would be in danger if he entered.

But he knew that. He had come anyway. That meant something. Sirenixia just wasn’t sure what. She paused a moment, trying to figure it out, but her mind kept spinning away, and she couldn’t latch on to the meaning.

She could hear Trindak shifting outside the door. He was still there. He wanted to help. He should have what he wanted. Some deep part of Sirenixia knew when to call for aid.

“Yeah.” She said, inviting Tridak inside.

The friendly dwarf came through the door and paused for moment, taking in the room. He saw the dresser, still lying where she had smashed it. He saw her sword, abandoned by the fireplace. And finally, his gaze fell upon her, disheveled and sagging again the wall. She was disgusting. She was supposed to be a knight descendant of Sishaxa, a noble creature shielding the world from evil.

But when Sirenixia met his gaze, she did not see the disgust she expected. Only deep worry and compassion.

“I… can’t... feel,” she said, fighting to form the words through the torrent of doubt and self-hatred.

“If I let myself feel something like that, I wouldn’t be able to control myself. That passion would break me, and I’d hurt people. I wouldn’t be able to hold it back. So I can’t. I can’t let myself. And I hate it.”

There it was. She was broken and afraid. Too weak fight the demon inside her, she just ran and hid. She was a coward and a weakling. She still sat against the wall, not meeting Trindaks eyes.

When she finished speaking, Trindak took a step forward. “Would you like a hug?” he said. His warm, loving voice was like a cool cloth, soothing the smoldering ruin inside her.

“I don’t know if that would be wise.” She said. She was still quivering, and that ember still burned inside. If he came too close, she might hurt him.

He stepped closer, slowly, until he standing right in front of her. She stared into his chest, until something finally broke inside of her. It was all too much.

Sirenixia stood and enveloped Trindak in a massive, plated hug. She felt his arms surround her, holding her. Tears started to run down her face, and the quivering was replaced with a gentle sob. She could hold the façade any longer. She let go, and for a wonderful, blissful moment, nothing mattered. She didn’t have to worry. That burning, furious light was gone. No voice called her to strike out or punish Trindak for intruding on her weakness.

They were safe. For the first time that she could remember, she wasn’t worried she might hurt someone. She cried and cried. The emotions washed over her freely. Anger at what she had been forced to suffer. Sorrow for everyone she’d hurt, and the innocents she had killed. Joy for the companions she still had.

She wasn’t sure how long it lasted, but eventually, Sirenixia began to feel the fire inside her once more. Her defenses snapped back into place, and she dug her fingers deep into Trindaks back she fought back the fury.

''Where would you be without your rage? It brings you power. He would take that from you. He would stop you from your duty. Without it how will you fight the darkness that plagues this world? He would make you weak. Punish him.''

The voice returned with a vengeance, and it took all of Sirenixia’s will to keep it from taking over.

“You should go.” She whispered to Trindak, carefully letting go and stepping back against the wall. She breathed deeply, trying to keep calm as Trindak retreated. Korashk continued to berate her, and she felt herself falling back, her thoughts beginning to spin again.

As the darkness enveloped her once more she held on to that moment of freedom. She would suffer. She would hold herself back to keep her friends safe. But it didn’t always have to be that way. She had felt something, freely, if only for a moment. It could happen again. And if it took traveling through fire to find it, she would go, without question.

That thought, that drive, stuck with her through the rest of the night as she shivered and fumed, eventually finding her way to a fitful, nightmare-filled sleep.